Help for releasing toxic thoughts from toxic relationships in your life and regain your energy and self-regard

June 6, 2016

 Do you have someone in your life who likes to point out your flaws, mistakes, someone who disapproves of your actions, choices, beliefs, clothing, food, whatever it may be, and you find yourself believing those opinions and beating yourself up with them?  Does that someone attempt to manipulate you by being conditional and threatening to withhold their love or friendship or not even be in a relationship with you?


I know many people who struggle or have dealt with this sort of situation.  I have dealt with this myself, and am guessing a majority of us have.  It certainly happens in families, in workplaces, and in, well, all types of relationships.  


My father would be conditional with me and my sisters frequently, withholding contact, not saying much of anything or being unpleasant when in contact, blatantly demanding we change, and even, make different choices or lose him: 


One time my dad threw down an ultimatum that made me laugh out loud: He did not like the close relationship I had with my favorite aunt, and on one visit home when I told him I was going to see her, he blew up, and demanded that I choose between them - and that I had better choose him.


I really did laugh, and then I calmly said that whatever the problem was, it needed to be worked out between them and had nothing to do with me, and that I would absolutely continue to see her because of how important she was to me, how good she had been to me my whole life, how much I loved her.


He backed down, and didn’t throw me out. However, for the first time in my life I was ready to accept it had he done so - and I could tell he saw and felt that.


The peace and conviction I felt from standing my ground was enormous.


Here’s an example from Someone* who is trying to break free of internalizing the negative and conditional things said to him/her:


“I find myself giving energy to the opinions of a person who is toxic for me. Time after time, I feel like I have been blindsided by accounts of my "wrongdoing" and advised that he/she could not be friends with me until I (fill in the blank). I doubt myself and realize the change has to come from within me. It is easy enough to stay away from this person: The trouble is that I keep their opinions alive in my thoughts, and I know I need to release them.”


The critical things I heard in this and my immediate reactions (which in some places is admittedly more friend-like than coach-like):

“I’m depleted of energy by this person.”

Run, run away now from this person who ‘time after time’ has been hurtful to you! Spend time with people who uplift you, are positive, energize you instead. You and your energy are too precious and important to allow anyone to treat you this way! You stated it is easy enough to stay away from them, telling me you already have or are working on a plan for doing this. Excellent. Walk rather than run if needed, based on the connection, but running might make you feel better, and will certainly end some suffering sooner than later. Radical self-care is needed after being with toxic people. Do things that replenish your energy, fill your well.


“I doubt myself.”

Oh, how I want to give you a big hug and encourage you to trust your inner wisdom starting right now - your inner wisdom is already whispering to you to release the thoughts. Get quiet repeatedly and hear it, louder each time, and embrace it. The person wants you to doubt yourself, that’s where they get their power, how they are manipulative. Don’t give them that power any longer. Grow your power of internal trust instead.


“I realize the change has to come from within me.”

Yes, I’m so glad to hear you say that… you likely will not be able to change the person, or anyone else, for that matter, which you already know, I’m sure. The good news is that we can change our thoughts and beliefs and take care ourselves in our relationships.


“I keep their opinions alive in my thoughts , and I know I need to release them.”

Oh, how I want to give you a hug and say drop those thoughts right now and replace them with loving, kind, positive statements about yourself instead!  Give me five, please, right now, 10 or more if you can…  


Then, think of something they’ve said, and ask yourself if it’s really true, and then ask yourself if the opposite of that thought might be truer!


You didn’t give me any examples, but let’s say they’ve told you again and again that “you frequently make bad decisions.”  What’s an opposite?  “I occasionally make bad decisions,” or, “I frequently make good decisions.” My hunch is both are true for you. Which one feels more true to you than that person’s claim? Either way, bam, you’ve just taken the power out of their words and honored yourself! Keep doing this, with every statement they make that's hurtful, and watch what transforms in your thinking.


I have successfully backed away from relationships that I realized were depleting to me. It is possible. Some I ended completely; others, I have backed away from more slowly, determined the boundaries I needed for myself, and stuck to them when in contact with those people, seeing them less than I had previously, listening for hurtful statements and asserting myself with the opposite thought, and so forth. Once they realized I changed the power dynamic, usually their behavior toward me changed.  If not, I walked away more quickly as it just felt right at that point.


I have been fortunate not to have been confronted by anyone when I have retreated, and believe it was because I did it without malice or drama or trying to make a point to someone who wouldn’t get it (similar to how you can’t argue with a drunk person).


I wished them well in my mind like a prayer, and simply let them go to lead the life they want to, freeing me to be myself, have more energy, and lead the life I want to.  


Sometimes I needed to grieve the relationship.


Other times, the wave of relief I felt, the lightness, the strength I felt in doing so was immediate, and there was no grief at all, just this wonderful feeling of being true to myself, and free.  


With both, while it might sound contradictory, I would thank them in my mind, and be grateful they helped me to see my self-worth, for the gift I gave myself by not tolerating something that was like poison to me, and learning to feed myself nourishing thoughts and be with nourishing people instead.

Unconditional love and regard is a pillar of healthy relationships.  


Unconditional love and regard for ourselves is the ground on which the pillar can firmly be built.  


Tend to your own soil carefully and mindfully.



Much love and light to you, *Someone who shall remain anonymous, and to all who read this.




For help with changing your thinking so as to trust your inner wisdom, and end toxic relationships if needed, please contact me - it would be an honor to be your coach through that process.


Or, please click here to schedule a no-cost 30 minute conversation with me to decide when coaching is right for you.


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